#3

First of all, can I just say that I have all the reasons to be perfectly happy. God gave me everything I wanted needed and sobrang daming blessings talaga parang ang gahaman ko na kung manghihingi pa ako. Also I know that everything is just happening according to its perfect order and you can’t have everything at once. That’s life. Suck it up because you won’t always have your way. I have absolutely no reason to complain and I am not complaining. This is the right thing to do and I’ve planned this for so long and I’ve weighed all the pros and cons carefully and all the signs are leading to this.

It’s just that, you know….. Your feelings sometimes get in the way and loneliness will get you, right when you thought you’ve successfully avoided it.

I’ve dragged this on for so long. I kept hoping that maybe if I just be passive for awhile, he’ll do something that will change everything. That never happened. Instead we just grew out each other. Should’ve made a firm decision when I lost my trust way back then but I kept hoping. No regrets though. Funny thing with these feelings is you lose every sense of reason for awhile and you hope against hope that you will be the exception to the rule. Sorry, you’re not.

I don’t even know why I bothered. The odds are like 10 to 1. 10 cons to 1 pro. I’ve weighed all the probabilities carefully. Even math is telling me to leave. My ever reliable math, who has got answers to all problems. Yet I still believed otherwise. I’m stubborn like that.

But this time, when it’s finally time to go, it’s easier. The good thing about all these failed “trials” is you learn something new everytime and you get back up better than you ever were before. I am getting better at this. And I’ve always believed that all this pain is going to be worth it. Kumabaga sparring muna with less capable boxers before you to the main event. Pineprepare lang ako ni God because I cannot fuck things up with the “perfect person”. I’ve actually made up this rule way back, you know the saying, everything comes in threes so I’m going to experience failure 3 times before I get the “prize” haha. When I met guy #3, I already knew he was going to be failure #3, but you get attached so you start breaking all these stupid rules you made up. Anyway this rule really IS stupid. Who says you can cheat fate with numbers, figure out a way to get around the system. You can’t.

I’m very much grateful that this time, it didn’t hurt as much. Maybe part of it was maturity, part of it was my brain telling me to listen to him and use reason, part of it was me really wanting to stop anyway, part of it was divine intervention. I swear God really did go out of his way to make sure all the circumstances will lead to a very peaceful and less “heartache-ing” exit. Haha.

I really can’t blame him, though. At the end of the day we all just want to be loved and it just so happened that we don’t really fit. I’m sure he’s going to meet his main event, just as I should meet mine too :P And I’m really hoping he will because he needs someone to take care of him.

I realize now that he’s indeed failure #3 and it’s not a guarantee that the next guy will be the “one” but I do pray with all my heart to the heavens to give me the main event already :p Maybe not now, but… Soon? Haha. God gave me a license, and a career path that’s pretty much clear (as of now, I know I am open to other opportunities in the future) so that’s pretty much the next step. Pero Lord di ko naman kayo minamadali. Kahit next year or kung di pa ako ready, kayo na po bahala kung kelan. Kayo naman po nakaka alam nun. :D

Loneliness sucks but it’s better than feeling nothing at all, I guess. Things will take a turn for the better soon, it always does. It’s not some optimistic thought I use to make myself feel better, this is tried and tested. Everything will be okay. Life will give us opportunities to be happy, it’s just up to us how to use them.